


Unsure

by starstrung



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Bread and Circuses, Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-19
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-05 04:14:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1089500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starstrung/pseuds/starstrung
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock doesn't know why he saved McCoy's life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unsure

Swords are forced into their hands and suddenly Spock and Leonard are made to fight two men dressed in gladiator clothing. Leonard raises his shield to take the force of a blow and his entire left arm goes completely numb. Spock, in the corner of his eye, seems to be faring better with those faster Vulcan reflexes and strength of his.

He makes himself raise his sword. After only a few minutes of fighting, Leonard’s heart is already beating too quickly and he knows his face is flushed and hot from exertion. His limbs are heavy, and his sword is almost impossible to lift. He falls to his knees, raising his shield in defense.

He’s lost sight of Spock. The thought fills him with terror. He chances a look back. Spock is still on his feet and fighting his opponent, looking as if he hasn’t even broken a sweat.

Spock’s eyes meet him from across the stage. All around them, cameras are following their every move. “Need any help, Doctor?” he asks almost conversationally, like he’s checking if Leonard wants help carrying a stack of PADDs.

All of Leonard’s terror vanishes. Instead he feels angry. “Whatever gave you that idea?” he calls, realizing that the pain in his arms has become bearable, like he’s grown used to it.

He gets to his feet and begins swinging at his opponent. “Of all the completely ridiculous, illogical questions I ever heard in my life,” he yells angrily, knowing that Spock can hear him.

Then, suddenly, his opponent sweeps out his blade and Leonard loses balance trying to dodge it. He falls to the ground and finds himself staring at the point of a sword. He only has time to swallow, and wonder if perhaps he should have asked for Spock’s help after all.

And then Spock is there, darting in behind his opponent. There is a moment when Leonard is sure that Spock will be struck down, but before that can happen, Spock administers a quick neck pinch. Leonard lets out a breath he doesn’t remember holding.

They are quickly surrounded by guards. As they are led back to their prison cell, Leonard tries not to think about how Spock just saved his life on national television.

-

Back in the privacy of their darkened cell, Leonard tries to thank Spock. He does it more for distraction than anything. Spock looks angry and frustrated. He’s been trying to break through the prison bars with nothing but his bare hands for almost an hour. It’s not something that is easy to watch.

Spock does not look away from the bars when Leonard begins talking. He finds himself rambling, not sure what to say. But when Spock continues to treat him with distant coldness, he ends up blurting, “I'm trying to thank you, you pointed-eared hobgoblin!”

Instead of his bluntness making him understand, Spock continues to act in that infuriating way. He brushes it off as an act driven by logic, talking about Leonard like he was just a _tool_ that Spock would perhaps regret losing.

“The loss of our ship’s surgeon, whatever I may think of his relative skill would result in a reduction of the efficiency of the Enterprise and therefore—”.

Unable to listen to it any longer, Leonard pins Spock against the cold stone wall of their cell. He’s angry at himself for being hurt by what Spock is saying. He hates that he has fooled himself into thinking that Spock cared about him in any way other than the ship’s surgeon.

He expects Spock to resist, but he does not. He lets himself be pushed, almost sags into Leonard’s hand. In this chilly, dank room, Spock’s warmth is a shock. This close, Leonard is able to witness every emotion that runs across Spock’s face. He wants to shake Spock loose, wants to dislodge feeling from the cold walls of his mind.

So Leonard finds himself things to Spock that he wouldn’t normally say for fear of hurting the other man. He cuts into Spock’s emotional state, peeling back the walls that Spock builds around him to hide what he’s feeling. Spock stares at him with open, vulnerable eyes for only a second before looking away, staring out into the dark hallway.

“Why, you wouldn't know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling,” he says.

Spock turns back to him. Instead of hurt, Leonard finds skepticism on Spock’s face. “Really, Doctor?” Spock asks, almost in challenge.

Leonard wonders if he’s missed something.

-

When they finally get back to the ship, Leonard tells himself that it’s better to forget about it, just like any other embarrassing mistake. He had assumed that Spock saving his life had _meant_ something, a sign that perhaps this emotional Vulcan cared for him after all. To be proven wrong in such a dramatic way was, if anything else, completely mortifying.

The monotony of ship life helps. They drift through a quiet part of space, what Jim calls “cosmic doldrums”. Every day, there’s nothing but the sniffles, and an occasional phaser burn to treat. He falls into the routine wholeheartedly.

When Spock comes in for a physical, there is a moment when Leonard doesn’t even remember what happened between them. Then it all comes rushing back, playing with excruciating detail in his head as if it had happened yesterday instead of a full week ago.

“Why are you here?” he asks, with more force than he intended. He busies himself with some vials, continuing to adjust them even though everything is already in order.

“I am here for my physical,” Spock answers. Leonard curses inwardly. He should have checked the appointments schedule beforehand.

“Go see M’Benga. I’m busy,” Leonard says, even though it’s probably obvious to Spock that he has nothing to do.

“Doctor M’Benga is helping to set a broken arm,” Spock replies.

Leonard sighs, and finally turns to look at Spock. There is no emotion in Spock’s eyes. He doesn’t know why he keeps looking for it there. After everything that’s happened, he should know better.

“Lay down then,” he orders, and goes to put on some gloves. Even with them on, he knows that Spock will still be able to sense some of his thoughts and emotions. Unlike M’Benga, Leonard didn’t do his medical internship on Vulcan, and wasn’t trained in the art of blocking one’s thoughts. It hasn’t ever bothered him before, but now, more than ever, he doesn’t want Spock to know what he’s thinking.

Spock obeys his command and lays back on the biobed. Leonard tries to do the physical as quickly as possible, with as little contact as possible. When he needs to direct Spock to do something, he talks in short, clipped sentences. Spock follows his directions without a word. Leonard has a strange feeling that Spock is staring at him, but whenever he checks, he finds him staring up at the ceiling.

When they’re finished, Leonard strips off his gloves with an internal sigh of relief. “You should get the results in about a day,” he tells Spock. He thought his tone of voice made it clear that it had been a dismissal, but instead of leaving, Spock hesitates.

“That was very quick, Doctor,” Spock says.

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘efficient’, Spock,” Leonard replies, with more harshness than he meant to use.

Spock doesn’t say anything. He looks bewildered. No, not bewildered, Leonard corrects himself. That would require actual emotion.

“What is it, Spock?” Leonard asks, growing more frustrated with every passing moment. “I’m the chief medical officer, and I have a job to do. There’s no time to talk.”

Spock leaves.

-

Without knowing why, Leonard pulls up the report that Spock filed about their mission. He sits down in his room with some bourbon and begins to read. In it, Spock details how they were given weapons and made to fight. He explains how he had been reluctant to use actual force against his opponents, and how he had incapacitated one of them with a neck pinch.

Spock makes no mention of how he had made that neck pinch to save Leonard’s life.

He ends up drinking more bourbon than he meant to. He storms out of his quarters across the hallway to Spock’s door. Thankfully, there are no crewmembers out at this time since everyone is either sleeping or working their shift. He hammers his fist against Spock’s door.

“Enter,” Spock says. The door slides open and Leonard comes in. He still has the PADD with Spock’s report in his hand, and he brandishes this at Spock.

Spock rises from where he was sitting at his desk. “Doctor, are you all right?”

Leonard barks out a laugh. “How dare you ask me that? As if you give a damn if I’m all right?”

Spock advances toward him and for a moment, Leonard thinks he’s going to kick him out, but instead he takes the PADD from his hands and scans it briefly. “Is this about the events from our last mission?”

The blind anger that brought Leonard here is fading quickly. He finds himself calming down almost against his will.

“Is there something you found unsatisfactory with my report?” Spock asks.

Leonard stares at him, at a loss for words. “There’s just something I’d like to know. Commander.” He adds Spock’s formal rank on purpose. It makes Spock straighten almost imperceptibly even as it adds one more wall between the two of them.

“Why did you save me back there? Why did you put yourself under danger just so that I could live?” Leonard presses. He is still unable to accept the answer Spock gave him back there, in their prison cell.

Spock hesitates before answering. “You are a valuable asset aboard this ship. If you were to be lost then—”.

Leonard waves him off, interrupting him. “Yeah, I get it. Never mind.” He feels tired and disappointed. All he wants is to go to bed and forget about this. But when he turns to leave, Spock’s hand on his arm stops him.

“Was there…” Spock begins, but he trails off. It’s the first time Leonard has seen him having trouble finding words. “Should there have been another reason? Why does this upset you?”

He pulls back, twisting out of Spock’s grasp. “Let me tell you something, Spock. I’ve patched you up more times than I can count. And I’ve never done it because I thought the ship would lose _a valuable asset_.”

“Then why?” Spock asks. His voice is quiet, almost inaudible in the quiet room.

Leonard takes a deep breath. He’s going to regret saying this in the morning. But there’s still enough bourbon in his system for him to do it anyway. “Because I care about you, Spock.”

Spock’s reply baffles him. “I did not know.”

Leonard snorts. He isn’t sure whether or not to believe Spock. “Right,” he says, and makes to leave.

This time, Spock stops him by getting between him and the door.

“What are you doing? Are you actually stopping me from leaving?” Leonard asks in disbelief.

Spock shakes his head. “You are free to leave. However, might I suggest that you wait a few minutes? Gamma shift is starting in a few minutes and there will be many crewmembers in the corridors at this time.”

Leonard listens carefully and finds that Spock is right. He can hear the murmur of voices coming from outside. He doesn’t want to go out looking like this. His hair is a mess from him running his hands through it and he still stinks of bourbon.

“Fine,” he growls, and falls back into the armchair in the corner. Spock looks at him for a moment before going back to his desk and beginning to work again. Leonard tells himself he’ll wait just a few minutes before leaving, but he ends up falling asleep.

-

Leonard’s eyes open in the darkness. He’s only half-awake. He sees a figure standing near him, Spock.

“I really did not know, Doctor.” It’s so soft, Leonard is sure he imagined it. He feels warm and sluggish, and his eyelids are too heavy to keep open any longer. He drifts off to sleep.

-

When he wakes up, he finds that sometime in the night, Spock had covered him with a blanket from his bed. He stirs slowly, still disoriented. The blanket smells like Spock.

He groans. Memories from what he said last night, as well as a fierce, pounding headache assault him. He slowly gets up to his feet.

Just as he notices that Spock is not in the room, the door opens, and Spock comes in. He comes up to Leonard and gives him something. Leonard accepts it automatically and realizes that it’s his toothbrush. Still not completely awake, the only thing Leonard can do is blink stupidly at it.

“I retrieved this from your quarters.” Spock tells him.

“Um. Thanks,” Leonard manages. His brain is still processing the fact that Spock just gave him his toothbrush.

“It is almost time for your shift. I suggest you get ready,” Spock says.

Leonard allows himself to be led to the bathroom, where he washes his face and tries to comb through his hair as best as he can with his fingers. Then he quickly brushes his teeth with some of Spock’s Starfleet-issue toothpaste.

Spock only comes in for a short while to grab something from the medicine cabinet. Still sleepily brushing his teeth, Leonard watches Spock suspiciously, but all Spock does is take something off from the top shelf. He can’t stop his eyes from wandering to how Spock’s shirt lifts slightly with the movement, exposing pale skin and dark hair for the briefest of moments.

He jabs his toothbrush too far into his mouth and gags on it, doubling over the sink. Spock startles, almost drops the bottle that he’s carrying, but Leonard waves him away, slowly getting control over himself.

“I’m fine,” he croaks, finally.

Spock nods and leaves the bathroom, presumably to continue getting ready.

It’s not as awkward as he would have expected it to be. It seems like their conversation from last night alleviated some of the tension, even if things still aren’t back the way they used to be. Maybe that’s the best he can hope for.

After he’s done getting ready, he leaves Spock’s quarters. Spock is waiting for him in the corridor.

“I would like to discuss something with you after my shift ends,” Spock says and then he leaves.

-

Once Leonard gets to sickbay, he has no time to dwell on Spock anymore. The day is uncharacteristically busy. A coolant leak in engineering means that there’s a long line of patients needing to be treated for damaged lungs and coolant burns. By the time he’s on his fifth case, he’s forgotten completely about how Spock wanted to talk to him after his shift.

Jim comes in near the end of his shift. When they’re able to, they usually eat lunch together in the mess hall. Together, they begin walking down the corridor. Jim has a funny story about what happened on the bridge to share and Leonard listens, occasionally throwing in a comment.

When Leonard sees Spock approaching them in the corridor, he freezes, suddenly remembering.

“Sorry Jim, I forgot something in my quarters. I’ll meet you in the mess later,” he says quickly, and begins walking in the opposite direction, panic making him walk even faster than usual.

But despite his best efforts, Spock catches up with him just outside of his quarters.

“Did you forget I wanted to speak with you?” Spock asks. The bastard even has the audacity to look amused.

“No!” Leonard says, perhaps a little too loudly. Some crewmembers turn to look at him. He opens the door to his quarters. “Come in.”

Suddenly thirsty, he paces over to the replicator and gets two glasses of water. He sets one down for Spock, and takes a long sip from his.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Leonard asks, when the silence stretches.

“How do you know if you care about someone, Doctor?” Spock asks bluntly.

Leonard hesitates. He knows Spock doesn’t like beating around the bush, but this is a pretty loaded question to spring on someone out of the blue. “You just know, I guess.”

Spock looks at him. “Could you be any more precise, Doctor?”

Leonard bristles. “Hey now, a question like that isn’t so easy to answer. It’s like asking someone how they breathe or how they beat their heart.”

“Are you saying that it’s an unconscious action?”

Leonard shrugs. “Yeah, I suppose.” He has no idea where this conversation is going.

“During the last mission, I incapacitated your opponent with a neck pinch. It was unconscious. I made no decision, there was no rational forethought. I saw that you were in danger, and I simply _moved_.”

Leonard is afraid to breathe, afraid that it will shatter this moment.

Spock takes a breath. When he speaks, his voice is low, almost ragged. “The thought of losing you is… not something I think I could bear easily.”

Leonard realizes that Spock’s hands are clenched tightly. He goes to Spock, and grips his shoulder. Spock lets Leonard touch him, and looks at him with eyes full of confusion. It takes Leonard’s breath away, that Spock is letting him see this much emotion, is trusting him with everything that he’s feeling.

“I’m not going anywhere, Spock. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Something changes in the way Spock is looking at him and Leonard finds himself walking backward until the edge of his desk digs into the base of his spine. “You should be more careful, Doctor. If I hadn’t come in time, you could have been killed.” Spock says it like a man two steps away from ruin, and Leonard tries not to shiver.

“What’s the matter, Spock?” Leonard asks softly. “Worried the Enterprise’s efficiency ratings might go down if I’m gone?”

He’s about to go on, but Spock doesn’t let him. He slots his mouth over Leonard’s lips kissing deeply, and choking off anything that Leonard was going to say. Spock claims his mouth, pushing in until Leonard is opening his mouth to him. As soon as Leonard lets him in, Spock sweeps in further, drawing a line of fire with the tip of his tongue.

As soon as Leonard begins to fight for breath, Spock pulls away, but does not go far, watching him a little smugly, like he’s pleased with himself. Leonard would probably be a little more indignant, if he wasn’t so fucking turned on by it.

“Even if your absence increased efficiency ratings tenfold, I still would not want you gone,” Spock tells him.

“Well, fuck. That’s touching, that really is,” Leonard says with as much sarcasm as he can muster. Instead, he just sounds out-of-breath. Spock’s smirk widens by just the tiniest bit.

Leonard kisses him until the smirk vanishes, until they’re running their hands all over each other. One of Spock’s hands is pressing under his shirt, slipping dangerously low until he’s cupping Leonard through his uniform pants. Leonard rocks into the touch and he feels Spock inhale sharply.

They fall towards the bed and Leonard rolls on top, continuing to kiss Spock and running his hands through his silky hair until it’s properly disheveled. Spock’s hands are cupping his ass, pulling him closer, and Leonard can’t stop himself from grinding his hips down. The friction is delicious but it’s still not enough.

“Clothes,” Spock says, and Leonard takes a moment to be pleased with himself that he’s reduced Spock to speaking in fragmented sentences. He strips off Spock’s shirt, and begins to press open-mouthed kisses down Spock’s chest. Spock makes a displeased noise, hands tugging at the shirt that Leonard is still wearing. In response, Leonard moves up and bites at the tip of Spock’s ear.

It’s just a nip without any real force, but Spock still bucks his hips up, head thrown back and lips parting. Leonard chuckles and Spock narrows his eyes up at him, lip-swollen bottom lip extended like he’s pouting. Beneath him, Leonard can feel Spock’s erection digging into the inside of his thigh.

With a movement that’s too fast for Leonard to react to, Spock flips them over so that Leonard is flat on his back. Spock makes quick work of his shirt, almost tearing it off, and then he gets to work on his uniform pants. By this time, Leonard has recovered enough to lift his hips so that Spock can strip them off completely.

Later, when Spock is slipping slick fingers into him, stretching him open, Leonard remembers that he was supposed to meet Jim for lunch.

“Jim’s gonna be so pissed,” Leonard says, even as Spock’s fingers are scissoring inside of him.

Spock growls into his shoulder. “Do not bring up the Captain at this time,” he tells him, and then does something with his fingers that has Leonard begging for more.

-

Afterwards, when Spock is spooned up behind him, Leonard realizes that he hasn’t felt this safe and content in a long time. Spock’s arm is loosely draped around his side, and Leonard takes his hand and presses his face into it, letting Spock read his thoughts.

Spock’s arms tighten around him, bringing him closer. “I know, _ashayam_ ,” he says softly. Leonard kisses the palm of Spock’s hand before letting himself drift asleep.

-

Later, when Leonard apologizes to Jim for ditching him, Jim looks suspiciously knowledgeable and tells Leonard to forget about it.


End file.
